How to Use Proper Dinner Party Etiquette

Guide Note: How to Use Proper Dinner Party Etiquette offers tips, tricks and advice on how to use proper table manners and make polite conversation at a formal dinner party.

Table of Contents:

Introduction

  • Whether you've been invited to a formal dinner party or are dining with your future in-laws at an expensive restaurant, it's helpful to know some basic dinner etiquette. Don't let the idea of proper table manners and lots of fancy cutlery intimidate you.
  • Etiquette has as much to do with creating a comfortable social environment for everyone as it does with where to put the oyster fork. If you're polite, use good common sense and follow your host's lead, then you're well on your way to being an ideal dinner party guest.

Step 1: Respond to the Invitation

(Creative Commons photo by Doug)
(Creative Commons photo by Doug)
  • So, you've received an invitation to a fancy dinner party. Embossed lettering? Heavy weight paper? Don't let the formality of the invite fool you. It's just like any other party. Common courtesy and kindness rule the day.
  1. Respond to the invitation within a week of receiving it.
  2. If you are declining an invitation, you don't need to give an elaborate reason. Simply state that you "regrettably cannot attend due to prior commitments."
  3. If you wish to bring a guest or your partner, ask the host first.
  4. If you have serious dietary restrictions or allergies, let your host know in advance.
  5. Follow whatever dress code is requested on the invitation.
  6. Be punctual on the night of the party.
  7. If appropriate, bring a small gift for your host. If you bring wine or chocolates, don't expect them to be consumed that night.

Step 2: Use Table Manners

  • Don't let the 98 pieces of cutlery and 17 glasses at your place setting freak you out. Proper table etiquette isn't nearly as complicated as most people make it out to be. Doing Miss Manners proud only requires that you remember a few simple rules.
(Creative Commons photo by Tom)
(Creative Commons photo by Tom)
  1. If there aren't name cards at the table, wait until the host indicates where you should sit. At a formal dinner, the seating will typically be man-woman-man-woman with the women seated to the right of the men.
  2. Enter your chair from the right side. Everyone does this to avoid bumping hips.
  3. If food is being passed, it should be passed to the right.
  4. Do not eat anything until everyone has been served and the host has begun eating.
  5. When it comes to utensils, use the outside-in rule. Start with the utensils located furtherest away from the plate and work your way in with each course.
  6. When you're finished eating, place your utensils on your plate with the handles touching at the 4 o'clock position. Place your napkin to the left side of the plate.
  7. Don't talk with your mouth full, put your elbows on the table or belch.
  8. Don't drink too much. It is acceptable to leave a glass of wine unfinished.
  9. Don't drink from the finger bowl. If you are at a formal dinner, the finger bowl will be presented to you immediately before or after dessert. Dip your fingers in the bowl, and dry them off with your napkin.
  10. When in doubt, follow the host's lead. Watch the host for cues on when to start eating, when to stop eating and what utensils to use.

Dinner Party Instructional Film

Step 3: Make Polite Conversation

  1. If hors d'oeuvres are served standing before the dinner, mingle. Try to talk to everyone in the room.
  2. Don't talk about politics, religion or money unless, of course, the dinner party is a political or religiously-themed function. It's wise to steer clear of controversial subjects in a room where you don't know everyone.
  3. Avoid brining up someone's health unless you're prepared to listen to a litany of their ailments.
  4. Be interested as well as interesting. Don't monopolize the conversation. Listen carefully, and engage with the people you're seated near.
  5. If you make a toast, stand, make it short and be sincere.
  6. If you are toasted, do not drink to yourself. Stand following the toast and thank your host and fellow guests.
  7. Don't criticize the host, the host's cooking or the host's choice of wine.
  8. When in doubt, always follow the Golden Rule: Treat others as you would like to be treated.

Step 4: Say Thank You

  • While you should, of course, say "thank you" as you leave the dinner party, don't forget to send a note the next day thanking your host. Depending on the formality of the party and how well you know the person, this might be a handwritten note, an email or a phone call. Use whichever form of communication is appropriate, but be sure to let your host know that you appreciate having been invited.
  • Be sincere, and be specific in your note. If you liked the dessert or thought the conversation was fantastic, say so. But, don't lie. If you had an awful time, keep your note general. Just remember that, regardless of whether you had a fabulous time or not, your host put a great deal of effort into the evening. Hopefully, you won't need to be so diplomatic.

Resources for How to Use Proper Dinner Party Etiquette

Etiquette Books