How to Start a Conversation

Guide Note

Starting a conversation can be one of the most stressful things in life, but also one of the most rewarding. Being good at starting conversations is essential in your career, romance and many other aspects of life. This guide will teach you how to start conversations, so you can get out there and start mingling.

Table of Contents

Conversation Starting Tips

  1. Research interesting things to talk about.
  2. Before you approach somebody to talk, relax.
  3. Ask interesting questions.
  4. Don't focus on seeming clever.
  5. Be prepared to listen.
  6. Avoid controversial subjects, complaining or gossip.
  7. Be yourself!

Introduction

  • There are endless situations that call for you to start a conversation, and endless ways to do it wrong. Maybe you're attracted to somebody, but you don't know how to flirt. Maybe you're stuck at the office with a co-worker you don't know well, and you're not sure how to break the ice. Maybe you've been invited to a party, and you're wondering how to meet some new friends.

Step 1: Before You Start a Conversation

(Creative Commons photo by tanakawho)
(Creative Commons photo by tanakawho)
  • Before you start a conversation, it's a good idea to make sure you'll have something interesting to say!
  1. You'll be more interesting if you keep up with interesting things happening in popular culture and the news.2
    • Follow the news, read good books and unusual websites, watch stimulating movies and TV shows, etc.
    • Form opinions about things, and be prepared to articulate them in an interesting way.
  2. If there is a specific person you are planning to talk to, do a little research into things you know they're interested in.3
    • Even knowing a few interesting details about their favorite sports team or TV show could give you something to talk about.
  3. If you are very shy, you can even make a list of possible conversational topics.4
    • Try to think of unusual subjects and questions that should be interesting to anyone.5 For example, which is a better superpower: flight or invisibility?6
    • Don't be ashamed of making a list. Think of it as something to fall back on.
  4. You might feel silly, but it can be helpful to use a mirror to practice conversation.7
    • This gives you a more objective idea of how you sound and helps you practice your body language.

Step 2: Starting a Conversation

(Creative Commons photo by The Consumerist)
(Creative Commons photo by The Consumerist)
  • You've done your prep work. Now you're out and about, and ready to mingle!
  1. Before you approach anybody, relax.8
    • If you're tense, you'll make other people tense. Calm down, try to think of this as an enjoyable experience, and let your body language become very casual and welcoming.9
    • Remember, there's really nothing to be so afraid of. Even if the conversation is a little dull or awkward, it's hardly the end of the world.
  2. If you spot a stranger you want to talk to, give them a quick but thorough look to see if you can get any ideas about their possible interests.10
    • A band t-shirt is an obvious sign about the kind of music that person likes. Look for other clues in the person's clothing.
  3. You can also check out your surroundings for possible things to talk about.11
    • Is there anything interesting in the area? Is there some sort of unusual art or architecture nearby? Do you have any mutual friends there?
  4. Say hello and shake their hand, if the circumstances seem appropriate.12
    • In certain situations, shaking hands could seem too formal. In other situations, it could seem too personal.
  5. If you know you have some common ground with the person, you can start by focusing on that.13 Talk about your neighborhood, a teacher you share, something at work, etc.
  6. If the person has nice clothing, you can start a conversation with a compliment and a question.14 "I like your coat! Where did you get that?"
    • Complimenting their clothing is one thing, but you should avoid commenting on the person's physical appearance too soon. Telling somebody they have nice eyes when you just met could seem creepy.
    • Don't compliment the person for something unless you really mean it.15 If you give them a false compliment and they see through it, you'll look like you're trying to scam them for some reason.
  7. Don't go into the conversation trying to sound clever. Be ready to listen.16
    • Focus on questions to get things going.17 Ask about the person, and if a certain subject seems to bring them to life, follow up on it.
    • If you want to have an interesting conversation, ask interesting questions.18 If the other person is just answering "yes" or "no" a lot, your questions probably aren't open-ended enough.
    • If you're paying attention to the other person, you won't be focused on yourself, so you're less likely to be nervous.19

Step 3: Joining a Conversation

(Creative Commons photo by Prakhar Amba)
(Creative Commons photo by Prakhar Amba)
  • If you notice an interesting conversation already in progress, you can try to join it.
  1. If only two people are chatting, don't attempt to join that conversation.20
    • A conversation between two people is too intimate to intrude on, and you'll seem rude. Stick to bigger groups.
  2. Even with groups of three or more, carefully observe their behavior to make sure they're not discussing something too personal for you to join in.21
  3. If their conversation seems to have hit a momentary lull, you can jump in with a short comment or question to get them talking again.22
    • If they're discussing the weather, for instance, you could ask if anybody has heard if it's supposed to rain soon.
  4. Don't linger, and don't butt in.
    • If there never seems to be a pause in the conversation, move on before your presence becomes awkward.

Step 4: Things to Avoid

(Creative Commons photo by ktylerconk)
(Creative Commons photo by ktylerconk)
  • There are many common mistakes that people make when they are trying to start a conversation.
  1. You don't want to have an argument, so avoid potentially controversial subjects like politics, sex or religion with somebody you don't know well.23
  2. Don't get too personal too soon.24
  3. Don't interrupt the other person, or monopolize the conversation. Talk about yourself, but not to an excessive degree.25
  4. Definitely don't try to make yourself sound cool by criticizing others.26
    • This will probably just make you sound insecure. Besides, the person you're talking to could turn out to be a close friend of the person you're tearing down!
  5. Avoid complaining.
    • Even if you're going through some bad things in your life, don't share your problems with somebody you just met.27
    • If you're trying to interest somebody, you don't want to seem negative or depressing.

Conclusion

  • Perhaps the most important tip we can offer is that old cliche: be yourself.28 Hey, it became a cliche for a reason. By letting your true self show when you meet somebody, you're going to be a lot more interesting than you would be if you tried to impress them with some fake persona.
  • You've lived a lifetime full of experiences, and there is a whole Earth around you full of fascinating things. You've got a lot to talk about!
  • So, don't be shy. Get out there and mingle.

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References for How to Start a Conversation

  1. ↑ Helium: How to start a conversation and make friends
  2. ↑ eHow: How to Make Small Talk
  3. ↑ eHow: How to Make Conversation
  4. ↑ AllExperts: General Dating Questions: Conversation(October 5, 2006)
  5. ↑ suite101.com: Unique Conversation Starters(May 10, 2007)
  6. ↑ This American Life: Episode 178: Superpowers
  7. ↑ eHow: How to Flirt With a Man
  8. ↑ eHow: How to Small Talk
  9. ↑ eSSORTMENT: Learn the art of conversation
  10. ↑ wikiHow: How to Start a Conversation With a Stranger
  11. ↑ eSSORTMENT: Dating tips: important advice on starting conversation
  12. ↑ Wikipedia: Handshake
  13. ↑ SOYOUWANNA.COM: SOYOUWANNA MEET PEOPLE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD?
  14. ↑ wikiHow: How to Start a Conversation When You Have Nothing to Talk About
  15. ↑ Stepcase Lifehack: Using Compliments To Control Communication(November 23rd, 2007)
  16. ↑ eSSORTMENT: Good conversation skills: tips on becoming a better listener
  17. ↑ eHow: How to Make Small Talk at a Bar
  18. ↑ wikiHow: How to Have a Great Conversation
  19. ↑ eSSORTMENT: Five ways to become a better conversationalist
  20. ↑ PalmBeachPost.com: Improve your networking and social skills
  21. ↑ wikiHow: How to Join a Conversation
  22. ↑ NPR: Mingle All the Way Through Holiday Parties(December 8, 2006)
  23. ↑ suite101.com: First Date Conversations to Avoid
  24. ↑ eHow: How to Kill a Conversation
  25. ↑ Helium: How to start a conversation and make friends
  26. ↑ PickTheBrain: Things We Hate to Admit
  27. ↑ Helium: How to start a conversation and make friends
  28. ↑ wikiHow: How to Be Yourself