How to Save a Marriage

Guide Note

Love is hard work. Even the strongest marriages require a little extra TLC from time to time. And, if things between you and your spouse are at a breaking point, it may be time for a professional intervention.

This guide, How to Save a Marriage, is a starting point—the questions you should be asking and the steps you should be taking to preserve and protect the health of your marriage.

Table of Contents

• Introduction
• Step 1: Commit
• Step 2: Marriage Triage
• Step 3: Forgive
• Step 4: Communicate
• Step 5: Put Each Other First
• Step 6: Rebuild
• Conclusion
• Resources

Disclaimer

The content in this page is not a substitute for professional psychiatric advice. Please contact a therapist or counselor before using the information presented here.

• by J.M.Brown

Introduction

• With almost half of all marriages ending in divorce, "'Til death do us part," a standard vow made between husband and wife, is perhaps the most difficult promise to keep. But no matter what you and your spouse have faced, it is never too late to save a marriage.

Step 1: Commit

(Photo by Andrew C.)

• It takes two to save a marriage. Your marriage can't move forward unless both partners:

1. Want to be married.
2. Contribute to resolving their differences.
3. Keep an open heart and an open mind.
4. Commit.

Is It Worth It?

• Before you can commit to saving your marriage, decide why your marriage is worth saving. If you are in an unhealthy or abusive relationship (abuse can be physical and emotional!) it might be better to get out now and start fresh. If your marriage is worth saving, you and your spouse need to figure out what you each want out of the marriage.

Set Goals

• iVillage suggests writing down goals for your marriage. The most effective goals are solution-oriented, meaning you describe specific actions each spouse will take to improve specific aspects of the relationship. Create broad goals for the future, as well as immediate goals so you can witness the success. Follow these three rules as you write your goals:

1. Use positive phrasing.
2. Be action-oriented.
3. Break a large goal into manageable parts.

• You might even find it helpful to formalize your goals in a postnuptial agreement. A postnuptial agreement, or a yearly contract, will also allow you to document new boundaries for your relationship and solidify your commitment.

• Remember, saving a marriage takes time. Don't expect conflicting feelings to go away just because you and your spouse have committed to saving your marriage.

Step 2: Marriage Triage

(Photo by Jose Luis Navarro)

• Couples on the way to a divorce can get caught up in the blame game; anger, hurt and bitterness guide their actions. But if you truly want to save your marriage, you need to swallow your pride, stop blaming your spouse and work together. Take responsibility and figure out what you can do to help resolve your marital discord.

What went wrong?

• First, take a step back, a deep breath and look at your marriage—really examine what went wrong. The most common major marriage problems are:

1. Infidelity: Infidelity occurs for a variety of reasons and not only causes unhappiness in a marriage but can be a result of problems that were previously ignored.
2. Money: Whether your husband's a deadbeat, your wife's a shopaholic or you've just had a string of bad luck, financial stress strains any marriage.
3. Major Crisis: Crises like a death in the family or infertility can strain the happiest marriage, causing spouses to react in destructive or unsupportive ways.
4. No Spark: After years of marriage, romance tends to fade and be replaced by everyday life.

• Sometimes major problems aren't the issue; seemingly little problems can turn into deal breakers. It might be a good idea for each spouse to make a list of the good, the bad and what they would like to change in the marriage.

Prioritize

• After you diagnose the problems within your relationship you will be able to decide which aspects need the most care. Since many factors can contribute to the ruin of a marriage, trying to resolve these factors all at once can become overwhelming. Focus on one change at a time and use smaller goals (e.g.: honestly answer questions) to reach your ultimate goals (e.g.: trust each other again). You can use the following steps to construct your own marriage treatment plan.

Step 3: Forgive

(Photo by Margarit Ralev)

• Depending on what went wrong within your marriage, forgiveness might seem impossible. However, forgiveness is absolutely necessary if you want to save your marriage. Forgiveness does not mean that you have to condone your partner's actions; it just means you have to let it go. You have to move on so your marriage can begin to heal. When you forgive, you give yourself permission to stop obsessing over things you can't change.

• Here are some helpful hints to help you forgive:

1. Acknowledge your feelings.
2. Express yourself.
   1. Write down your thoughts and feelings in a journal.
   2. Talk it out with a friend.
   3. Cry.
3. Talk to your spouse about their behavior.
4. Agree on acceptable, new behavior.
5. Once you decide to forgive your spouse, tell him or her.

• Forgiveness takes time but is worth the effort. The result is a feeling of peace and happiness. The Mayo Clinic says forgiveness also has many health benefits, such as:

1. Lower blood pressure.
2. Stress reduction.
3. Fewer depression symptoms.
4. Less anxiety.

• Remember to look to the future, instead of dwelling on past mistakes. All the past will do is make you miserable.

Step 4: Communicate

(Photo by Daniel West)

Talk

• Talk about your problems. Talk about your feelings. Talk about what direction you want your marriage to go in. It doesn't matter what you discuss—just talk!

• Any feelings you might be having (fear, anger, resentment, sadness, shock, uncertainty) are normal. Accept that your spouse, no matter what his or her actions, has the right to feel the same way.

• Remember to avoid an argumentative or accusatory tone. Hold hands while you talk; this might seem strange at first but it helps develop a connection, create intimacy and avoid fights.

• Disagreements and fights are part of any relationship, so it's okay if your talk turns into an argument. However, if the argument escalates and neither of you are willing to back down, take a break. Resuming your conversation after you both have had time to think is a mature way to handle conflict.

• Never make any major decisions about your marriage when emotions are running high. It's difficult to stay calm when your marriage is shaky, but it is important for spouses to keep clear heads. Follow the old adage: "Think before you speak!"

Listen

• Sometimes listening can be even more important than talking. Listening to your spouse may help you understand why they hurt you and what they are feeling. Your spouse's point of view can help you discover your own mistakes and maybe even open your eyes to ways you unintentionally harmed them. Even if you disagree with what your spouse is saying, respect their feelings and try not to argue.

• Hear what your spouse has to say and follow with a thoughtful, empathetic response. Discovery Health suggests a proper empathetic response may include:

1. Acknowledgement: "I understand you..."
2. A thoughtful solution: "I'd like to help by..."
3. An affectionate touch.
4. A sincere look.

Marriage Counseling

• If you and your partner have trouble communicating, marriage counseling can be helpful. Marriage counseling is psychotherapy meant to solve problems in your relationship or even just help you understand what your problems are. Counselors act as a mediator to help you reach the root of your problems. If you and your spouse are religious, you might also consider speaking to your priest, rabbi or spiritual leader for guidance.

• Divorce Support from About.com lists signs you should seek marriage counseling:

1. You continuously fantasize about getting a divorce.
2. You rarely or never have sex.
3. You feel like you're the only one who tries.
4. You don't feel comfortable talking with your spouse about marital problems.

• The types of couples that will benefit the least from marriage counseling are:

1. Couples with one or both spouses set on divorce.
2. Couples who wait too long before seeking help.
3. Couples unwilling to change.

Step 5: Put Each Other First

(Photo by [hhttp://www.sxc.hu/photo/673016 Kashfia Rahman])

• Love is patient; love is kind; love takes out the trash without being asked. It is important to put the well being of your spouse before all else. Small acts of unselfishness show your spouse you care. Christianity Today lists ways to show you care:

1. Do the dishes without being asked.
2. Bring your spouse their morning coffee.
3. Unload the groceries.
4. Fold the laundry.
5. Make your spouse their favorite food.

• Being positive about your spouse is another way to put your mate first. A positive response causes you to actively consider your spouse's feelings.

• It's always easier to remember the negative in a relationship; in fact, studies conducted by the University of Chicago have shown human brains have a negative bias. Because brains are more sensitive to negative stimuli, insults and criticism stay with you longer than loving words and happy times. But, no matter how hard it might be, positive behavior is key when saving a marriage.

• After years of negativity, a few positive words or even a grand gesture aren't going to cut it. Dr. John Gottman from the University of Washington says married couples should follow a five-to-one ratio. Now, you might be thinking "Five-to-one! I can't even think of one positive about my spouse let alone five!" Have no fear, Christianity Today has these suggestions:

1. Make a list. Start by writing down 15 of your spouse's positive qualities. Then each week for a month, add more qualities. To help you brainstorm, try asking yourself these questions:
   1. How does your mate make your life better?
   2. How does he or she make you laugh?
   3. What first attracted you? Does it still attract you?
   4. Does he or she work hard for your family?
2. Say at least two positive things about your spouse for seven days and here's the hard part, no negatives!
3. Don't interrupt your spouse.
4. Compliment your spouse in front of others. Make sure you're sincere.

• If you remember to make a conscious effort to put your spouse first, you'll find your marriage runs smoother.

Step 6: Rebuild

(Photo by Jos van Galen)

• Saving your marriage means rebuilding your relationship, even if you have to rebuild one piece at a time.

Yourself

• Marriage is a huge part of your life. So when a marriage falters, it is common to stop taking care of yourself. About.com lists physical reactions you should watch for:

1. Nausea
2. Diarrhea
3. Sleeping too much
4. Insomnia
5. Shakiness
6. Lack of concentration
7. Binge eating
8. No appetite

• Eat healthy, get plenty of sleep, exercise and relax. Relaxing and having fun is part of taking care of yourself. Even if you're not ready to have fun with your spouse, get out of the house, spend time with friends and laugh! Not only will taking care of yourself make you feel better overall, but it helps you think clearly so you can make the right decisions.

• And hey, keep an eye on your mate too. If they are unhappy and unhealthy, chances are you will be too.

Trust

• Trust is very important in a relationship and when trust is broken, it is hard to rebuild. To begin rebuilding, both spouses need to acknowledge the hurt of being betrayed.

• If you are the one that has lied or cheated in your marriage, then it is up to you to change your behavior: no more lies, secrets or infidelity. Be honest and open. For example, if in the past you've used work as an excuse to cheat on your spouse, then the next time you have to work late, call and let him or her know ahead of time. Don't get frustrated if you have to continuously reassure your mate that you are worthy of trust. Eventually trust will happen.

• If you believe that your spouse's mistrust of you is unwarranted, try not to respond in an angry or defensive manner because it will only make the situation worse. Calmly explain your side of the situation, it is easy to become frustrated if your mate doesn't believe you, but it might be necessary to rebuild trust.
• To rebuild trust, About.com suggests spouses:

1. Forgive.
2. Be patient.
3. Be honest and open.
4. Seek counseling to better understand the root of the mistrust.
5. Listen.

Sex Life

• Sex is the reason 45 percent of all couples seek marriage counseling. A problem usually occurs when spouses have different expectations for their sex lives, but can also be a sign of deeper emotional issues. Sex is a chance for couples to create a connection and share a bond. The absence of sex, or having boring sex, causes couples to pull away from each other. Spouses become more like two roommates than a married couple.

• Discovery Health says that a good sex life improves your health, mentally and physically. So to improve both your health and your marriage, try these tips:

1. Talk to a doctor if you are experiencing erectile dysfunction.
2. Be romantic outside the bedroom.
3. Understand your mates needs and desires.
4. Exercise, eat healthy and stop smoking.
5. Have fun and be creative.

Intimacy

• While sex does create intimacy, intimacy and sex are not the same thing. Intimacy is a feeling of closeness with your mate. Christianity Today lists ways you can improve intimacy in your relationship:

1. Touch your spouse in a meaningful way.
2. Give a back rub.
3. Cuddle while watching TV.
4. Hold hands.
5. Tell each other about your day.
6. Pay attention to your spouse in a room full of people.

Romance

• Sometime after the honeymoon, the spark tends to dwindle as romance is replaced by 4AM diaper changes, car pools, and, well, chaos. To save your marriage, it's time to rekindle the flame. To rebuild romance in your marriage:

1. Kiss.
2. Plan regular dates: hire a babysitter, dress up, hit the town.
3. Go on a romantic trips, just the two of you.
4. Write each other love notes.
5. Send her (or even him!) flowers.

Conclusion

• Don't expect your problems to be solved overnight. Strong marriages take time. Just keep the end goal in mind and make positive steps everyday.

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Resources for How To Save a Marriage

• MSN: How to save a marriage
• eHow: How to save a broken marriage
• eHow: How to Forgive
• wikiHow: How to Save a Troubled Relationship
• iVillage: 10 Ways to Save Your Marriage
• iVillage: Set new goals for your marriage
• About.com: Top 6 Signs of Impending Divorce  
• About.com: How To Cope When You've Learned Your Spouse Is Unfaithful - - How to Respond  
• About.com: How To Rebuild Trust  
• About.com: Improve your health by forgiving your spouse  
• Newsweek: Forgive and Let Live
• Christianity Today: Positive & Negative Words  
• Christianity Today: The Most (Unusual) Romantic Things  
• Family.org: He's Driving Me Crazy!
• Discovery Health: How to Build Marital Bliss
• Discovery Health: Top 10 Marriage Myths
• Discovery Health: Marriage and Sex
• Parenting.com: 6 Marriage Myths to Ignore

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