How to Plan a Bar Mitzvah

• by Christina Taylor

Introduction

• A Bar Mitzvah is the celebration of a young man becoming an adult within the Jewish faith. The term "bar mitzvah" may refer to the religious rites of becoming a man, the man himself or the party that follows the service.

Historical Context

• Traditionally, a boy celebrates his Bar Mitzvah when he turns thirteen years old. Though it may seem silly to people outside the Jewish faith to consider a thirteen year old an adult, this is a tradition that first appeared in the Talmud.

• When a boy becomes a man in the Jewish faith, it means:

1. He is morally responsible for his own actions.
2. He is eligible to read from the Torah.
3. He is eligible to participate in Minyan.
4. He can possess property.
5. He is old enough to be married.
   • This is according to Jewish law. Obviously, one must also follow the laws of the area in which they live. Minimum age requirements to legally marry can vary from state-to-state and country-to-country.
6. He must follow the 613 laws of the Torah.

• Today, lavish celebrations are the norm for a Bar Mitzvah. These parties can range from intimate dinner parties to huge banquets. See Step Three for more information about these parties.

Step 1: Prepare for the Religious Rites

• Because a Bar Mitzvah may include recitations of blessings, Torah readings and sometimes even a speech, it is important to be prepared for the service.

1. Hebrew school lays a foundation in the Jewish faith and the Hebrew language long before specialized Bar Mitzvah training begins.
   • Many children begin Hebrew or Sunday school several years before their thirteenth birthday.
2. Typically, specialized Bar Mitzvah lessons begin one year before the thirteenth birthday.
3. Depending on your synagogue, a typical Bar Mitzvah ceremony may include:
   • Aliyah
   • D'var Torah
   • Haftarah
   • Individual speech
   • The honoree leading a portion of the service

Step 2: Set a Date

• As with any large event, setting the date is a crucial first step. Additionally, setting a date for a Bar Mitzvah includes many stipulations that one may not encounter with another large event.

1. The day of the religious portion of the Bar Mitzvah must be held on a day with a synagogue service that includes a Torah reading. These days include:
   • Sabbath
   • Monday morning
   • Thursday morning
   • Shabbat afternoon
   • Rosh Chodesh morning service
2. The date must be on or after the thirteenth birthday.
   • Sephardic Jews often wait until the fourteenth birthday.
3. If it is more convenient to do so, the reception may be held on a day other than the religious service.
   • The reception may be scheduled around the availability of rentals, family and friends who may need to travel to attend the event.

Step 3: Determine the Type of Celebration

• The reception after the Bar Mitzvah service is a time for family and friends (both Jewish and non-Jewish) to come together and celebrate the honoree's milestone.

• First, you must determine the scope of the reception. Bar Mitzvah receptions can range in size from large banquets to intimate dinner parties. Take a look at how much you would like to spend on the event, and how many people you plan to invite. Reasonably, if your budget and guest list are on the smaller side, a nice dinner at a restaurant may be your best choice. However, if both your guest list and your budget are on the big side, a large banquet is a popular choice.

Step 4: Choose the Venue

• The venue is one of the biggest decisions you will make as you plan the reception.

• Large Banquet

1. Renting a big facility requires lots of lead time. You should begin thinking about and looking for a space about a year in advance of your event.
   • Local recreation centers or wedding halls are great resources when looking for a venue for your party. These places can also offer food, or put you in contact with a reputable caterer.
2. Make sure prospective venues can comfortably seat the amount of people on your guest list.
   • If you don't have a set guest list yet, don't worry. If you settle on a large area, but you find your guest list dwindling, you can fill empty space with cocktail tables with hors d'oeuvres or enlarge the dance floor.
3. Decide on whether you want an outside catering company or if you want your venue to provide this service.
   • Having a venue with in-house catering is a huge time and energy saver!
4. Make sure prospective venues have the capabilities to provide the services you desire.
   • If you want to showcase a PowerPoint presentation of your son throughout the years, the venue will have to have audio-visual capabilities. The same goes for a DJ.
5. Reserve the venue.
   • After you've made your decision, you will likely have to place a deposit on the venue to hold your date.

• Intimate Dinner Party

1. Develop a rough estimate of the number of guests attending the dinner.
   • Determining a head count is much more important for an intimate dinner party than a large banquet because last-minute additions or subtractions are much harder to accommodate on a small scale.
2. Based on the rough head count, determine whether you will hold your dinner at a restaurant, in your home or in a friend or family member's home.

Step 5: Send Invitations

• You should mail out the invitations two to three months before the event.

• To keep track of RSVPs, discreetly write numbers that correspond to your guest list on the back of the RSVP cards. (For example, if Naomi Friedman is number 5 on your guest list, mail her the RSVP card also numbered 5.) This way you'll never be left wondering who has returned an RSVP card and who has not.

• Your invitations should match the tone of the event. If you are hosting a more formal event, make sure you send formal invitations. Likewise, if your event is casual, opt for a casual-looking invitation. This will help your guests know what expect from the reception.

Step 6: Prepare for the Celebration

• Once the venue is booked, you can settle on entertainment, decor and the reception's menu.

• Large Banquet
• Decide on entertainment.

1. You should book your entertainment about six months in advance.
2. DJs are a popular choice of entertainment.
3. You can also plan simple games for the guests. Develop trivia questions on common Jewish knowledge, and have each table play as a team. Don't forget prizes for the winners!
4. Remember, the honoree is celebrating becoming an adult, so games geared towards children (like Pin-the-Tail-On-the-Donkey or Musical Chairs) may not be appropriate.

• Hire a catering company.

1. You should hire your catering company about six months in advance.
2. If your chosen venue does not include catering, ask the manager of the facility for recommendations. Hiring a caterer familiar with your venue will help make the event run smoothly.
3. See How to Choose a Caterer for more help.

• Prepare decorations for the venue.

1. Popular color choices for Bar Mitzvahs are blue and white. But don't feel obliged to keep with tradition! The reception is a time to showcase personality, and if the honoree's favorite football team is the New York Jets, feel free to use silver and green.
2. Keep the decor simple. Plain white tablecloths (paper is cost-effective and easy to dispose of) with a simple flower centerpiece will suffice for the individual tables. Don't get caught up in worrying about the room as whole. One the lights go down and the DJ heats up, no one will be looking at the room anyway!
3. Place cards are a helpful tool as well as a nice decorative touch. The place cards tell each guest which table they will sit at. The place cards can also match your decorative theme.
4. A card box will help keep all the cards brought by guests in one place, and it can be decorated however you like.

• Intimate Dinner Party
• Develop the entertainment.

1. Trivia games are a popular choice at intimate parties. The trivia can be about the Jewish faith, the honoree's favorite hobbies, or pop culture in general. Don't forget prizes for the winner!
2. Another way for your guests to interact is the advice game. Give each guest a piece of paper and a pen. Have them write down the best advice they have ever been given about being an adult. Then have everyone share with the honoree.

• Decide on a menu.

1. If you are holding your event at a restaurant, this job is already done for you!
2. If you are holding your dinner at a private home, decide on what dishes you would like to serve. You should also organize and get copies of your recipes if you plan on having help in the kitchen. See How to Throw a Dinner Party for more help.

• Prepare decorations for the venue.

1. If your dinner is being held at a restaurant, check with the management to see if it is okay that you bring in outside decorations.
2. A simple, white tablecloth with a colorful centerpiece is a lovely way to decorate a table.
3. Place cards for each guest's seat at the table are also a nice, thoughtful touch.

Step 7: The Day Before the Bar Mitzvah

• The day before the reception:

1. Confirm your reservations if you are having dinner at a restaurant.
2. Confirm delivery time and staffing with the catering company.
3. Confirm the arrival time of the entertainment.
4. Decorate the venue.

• Like a wedding, there will be a rehearsal the night before the big event so the honoree will know where to stand and when to proceed within the context of the service.

Step 8: The Day of the Bar Mitzvah

• When the day of the event you’ve been planning for since the birth of the honoree finally rolls around, there’s still plenty to do!

Coordinating at the Venue

• If possible, the person who orchestrated the event should be present at the venue to coordinate arrivals and deliveries. If not, a friend or family member should be appointed to oversee venue set-up.

Calming the Honoree's Nerves

• It's completely normal for the honoree to be a bit nervous. For many boys, this is their first major public speaking event. In addition to remembering the prayers and speeches they have to give, they have the added pressure of knowing their friends and family are watching. To keep calm, have the honoree:

1. Review the readings, blessings and speeches. Concentrating on the words will help keep his mind off of the other pressures of the event.
2. Practice deep-breathing exercises to keep the heart regulated. A fast-beating heart can compound nervousness.
3. Remind the honoree that you are very proud of him, and show your confidence in a supportive manner.

Step 9: Manage the Reception

• If all has gone according to plan, you should have nothing to do but relax and enjoy the celebration. However, this is not typically the case.

1. Supervise the outside vendors. If they damage something, the cost may be your responsibility.
2. Chaperone the children and teens.
3. Greet the guests as they arrive, and place the gifts in a central area.
4. Make sure that the honoree says "hello" and "thank you" to all his guests.

Conclusion

• Mazel tov! The honoree is officially a man. Now it's time to enjoy the party you've so painstakingly arranged. So get out there on the dance floor and shake a leg!

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Resources for How to Plan a Bar Mitzvah

• Wikipedia: Judaism - Rosh Chodesh - Sephardi Jews - Aliyah
• Jewish Encyclopedia: Talmud - Minyan
• Love to Know: Wedding Rehearsal Dinner - Ideas for Wedding Card Boxes
• Judaism 101: Bar Mitzvah, Bat Mitzvah and Confirmation - Jewish Liturgy - Torah Readings
• About.com: Ask the Reform Rabbi  
• MileChai.com: 613 Laws of the Torah
• MyJewishLearning.com: Planning the Bar/Bat Mitvah - Do's and Don'ts of Giving a D’var Torah
• Religion Facts: Shabbat
• United Jewish Communities: Hebrew Schools May Finally Get Some Respect
• Omniglot: Hebrew language, alphabet and pronunciation
• Jewish Legends: Jewish Urban Legends, Facts and Trivia
• B'nai Mitzvah Guide: Place Card Ideas
• Presentation Helper: Presentation Nerves
• Jewish Virtual Library: Jewish Liturgy

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