Dane Cook Quotes

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The Mahalo Top 7

"Dude, I heard a car!" And I said uh... yeah, the world's full of them. You'll hear lots of them for the rest of your life. If you hear a humpback whale, that's weird. Tell me that shit, then I'll stop.

We're all gonna lie, we're all gonna cry, and we're all gonna take painful sh**.

We never had a pool, right. So one summer, I remember. My dad, to make me happy. You know I was bummed out cause we didn't have the pool. So one summer he bought us this thing. It was yellow, you layed it on the lawn, sprayed it with the water, run across. Slip n' Slide. Yeah. Would have been fun if dad checked for rocks before he layed it down! Slip n' Bleed from the aaaaanus they should have called this ride.

Monopoly, theres another little game. We had Monopoly, everybody had it. No one liked it, even if you thinked you liked the game you didn't. And it's simple why, ok. Cause this is anyone here 2 and a half hours into a game of Monopoly, ready?... "F*** THIS GAME! It's 4 in the morning grandma, YOU WIN!

When we were kids movies were SCARY. They affected your brain for years. I saw "Jaws" I couldn't take a fuckin' bath for like 10 years. I thought that shark was coming out of the drain... I'm lathering one side at a time.

People want to be remembered for great things, such as contributing to humanity, he says. Not him. I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone, ... I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.

“A lot of comics are kind of vampire types; we do our shows and disappear into the night. My philosophy was, this is like politics, and if I want people to know about my campaign, I'm going to go out there and shake hands.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

It doesn't matter where in the country you are, why is it that when you walk into a public restroom why is everything f***ing wet?

The next time you go to a party, a great big party, go into the room where all the coats are... S**t on the coats. Guaranteed at some point somebody is going to walk out of the room and go "someone has s**t on the coats". Thats the only thing you can say when someone s**ts on the coats. They MIGHT say "I think someone s**t on the coats" but you know.

This would be the ultimate worst. What if you dove in the pool, and while you were at the bottom of the pool, freaking out, somebody poured oil on the surface, and lit it on fire. Then you're like "AHHHH!" You have to keep swimming around, feeling for a spot with no fire. Then, what if you found a circle where there was no fire, but the second you came up, a big dude just punched you in the face. "GET BACK IN THE FIRY WATER! YOU DON'T COME OUT OF THE FIRY WATER!"

One thing that I've always wanted to do every since I was little, I've always want to be abducted by a UFO. Yeah, sometimes I'd just go hang out in the woods. I'm just waiting for that blue light. {Screams} That's how they suck you up by a beam of light, they suck you up by your chest, and that's not necessary. Throw a rope ladder down, I'll climb up, I'm interested. I’m here for YOU. Don’t suck me up by my chest, that hurts ... you're a hovering craft, why wouldn't I come in and poke around for a minute?

MySpaceTV: Rough Around The Edges - The Edge (Time 1:00)
MySpaceTV: Rough Around The Edges - Gone Too Far (Time 1:00)
MySpaceTV: Rough Around The Edges (Time 0:43)
MySpaceTV: Two Million (Time 1:49)
ZippyVideos: Growing up Catholic (Time: 4:43)
YouTube: Dane Cook-Crying (9:17)